Confronting these feelings is uncomfortable, but tackling them head on can strengthen your relationships. Is it possible to learn to like your metamour? What if you feel jealous or threatened?įeelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal in non-monogamous relationships, and in order to address them, it’s important to take the shame out of it. In the bigger picture, generosity and kindness come around. She realizes they are taking care of themselves, and it’s not a reflection on her relationship. Effy noted that when her partner needs alone time with their partner, she doesn’t take it personally. Sometimes they are rigid because of pre-existing relationship agreements, and in that case, the conversation resembles expectation management and troubleshooting in secondary relationships. This opens a space for negotiation and understanding about where boundaries lie and how fixed or fluid those boundaries are. ![]() What do you do if you are in a growth mindset but are coming up against walls in your relationship? The panelists agreed that whenever they felt an oncoming unmet need, they voiced that to their partners in an understanding way to initiate the conversation. However, we are not given a handbook on how to navigate a finite 3D world with infinite love, and that’s where it gets tricky with metamours. there are always going to be lots of people’s needs orbiting around you that you have to balance with yours. Whether it’s your partner, your metamour, your family, your boss…. How do I balance my needs with everyone else’s? Pay attention to how you feel if you aren’t sure, take baby steps and have a support network in place to help you process. On the opposite end, there are people who invent stories about their metamour like a monster under the bed, and they need to meet them to humanize them and help them manage the relationship structure. The emotional work would outweigh the benefits. There are some people – for instance, people who practice “don’t ask don’t tell” – who prefer not to allocate the headspace needed for meeting metamours. How do I know if I want to meet my metamour? The audience asked the panelists questions that spanned the entire spectrum of metamour experiences, and they boiled down to these main themes: The last panelist has a somewhat contentious relationship with their metamour because they aren’t compatible as friends, but both have consciously carved out open communication lines and get along well in group settings. One panelist has never had a friendship with a serious metamour, despite wanting one, and currently navigates a “don’t ask don’t tell” configuration (the metamour requests not to know about outside relationships). Two metamour panelists were friendly with each other from the beginning and have since evolved into best friends who live in the same apartment building with their shared partner. On episode 82, Metamours (Your Lover’s Lover), we sat down with a panel representing a diverse range of metamour relationships. This could refer to a serious relationship or something much more casual. ![]() The term metamour is poly lingo for your partner’s partner.
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